Thursday Tidbits – Reviewer Classifications…no Really!

Reviews are wonderful creatures. Sometimes informative, often entertaining, and an invaluable tool for those of us who are adrift in a vast sea of possible reading choices. I deeply appreciate anybody who takes the time to review my work. But having said that, I can’t help observing some consistent themes within reviews. So I did some digging and discovered that there are classifications of reviewers.  Oh yes, there are. #:0) See if you know someone who falls into any of the following reviewer classifications:

The poor investigator – This reviewer buys a book outside her interest area and then gives the book 1 star for being what it is. Sample review: “I don’t usually read paranormal but I bought this because it sounded interesting. I DNF because it had weird, magical creatures in it. 1 star!”

The Confused Reviewer: This reviewer gives the book 2 or 3 stars, generally understood to mean that a book isn’t good or is just meh, and then gives a glowing review. Huh?

The Lengthinator: This reviewer often starts (and sometimes ends) her review with the words, This book was too short.  Damn! I hate it when the bookstore hacks portions of my books off after I buy them! #:0)

The Retribution reviewer: Sample review: “I HATED this book because the author’s a jerk.” #:0) 1 star for you!

The Trigger Finger reviewer: “The author mentioned spaghetti with red sauce on page 109. I hate spaghetti with red sauce.  1 star!” And lest you think I’m reaching with this one, I know an author this happened to. LOL

The Porn Star-er: The entire worth of any book this reviewer reads is judged by how much HOT sex it holds within its pages. It doesn’t matter if the book isn’t erotica and has a great plot and wonderful characters, this reviewer thinks it isn’t worth a fig unless somebody’s doing the humpty dumpty with somebody else every 3 pages or so.

The Savvy reviewer: This reviewer knows what she likes and buys only that. Or if she branches out, she takes that into consideration when she reviews the book. She checks the length of the book and the corresponding price before buying it. She judges the book on its merits. Authors LOVE this reviewer!

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Thursday Tidbit – Hospital Chic

It sucks having to go into the hospital. But when life throws you lemons…  So here are some important hospital observations you might want to bear in mind the next time you’re incarcerated  admitted:

IV fluids are the devil’s work. Yeah, you heard me. A few days hooked up to the devil bags and I looked like a puffer fish with bad hair and extremities. I believe that nature meant for us to be dehydrated. Think of it as the middle aged woman’s Heroin chic. I mean water weight is the bane of a slightly over-rounded woman’s existence. Hooking one of the desperately over-fleshed onto continual bags of water and feeding it right into our veins is pure psychological torture.

Nurses inserting IV lines are the devil’s handmaidens. They can put those suckers in one of many spots on your body. I now have holes in most of those spots.  Granted, when broached with the evil device my veins packed up and ran for interior (safer) regions…but still. One should only get a few chances to put a hole in an already suffering victim  patient before being thrown out of the game.

And another thing. The topic of conversation in a hospital needs a serious uplift. I’m thinking deep discussions regarding weather patterns would be preferable to detailed treatises on one’s clandestine visits to the loo, bearing a badly rolling IV pole (I unplugged mine and made several illegal excursions. What? I had one nurse ask me crankily, “How much water are you drinking?” It was ‘do it myself ‘ time from that point on!). I mean, there’s a reason we have doors on bathrooms. The stuff that happens in there is private. Get up on out of my grill, honey! I’m already cranky because you made me look like a puffer fish.

And finally, if you’re ever told you’re going on a liquid diet, RUN. Run fast, run hard, run far. I’m not kidding. I don’t care if you’re in there because a pool filter just sucked your colon out of your rectum. A hospital style liquid diet just makes the journey more excruciating. Trust me. I know!

Note: For those of you who might not quite get my humor, let me assure you that I got excellent care and appreciated everything my wonderful caregivers did to help.  I’m just having a bit of fun at the hospital’s expense. Sux to be them! #:0)

Happy health everybody!



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Thursday Tidbit – Bringing Poetry into the 21st Century

Last weekend my oldest and I went to see The Grand Budapest Hotel. It was a weirdly entertaining movie that probably started out as an Indie. One of the main themes of the film (don’t ask me why) was poetry.

Yeah, go figure.

Poetry was spouted at odd moments throughout the movie, although it didn’t really seem to have anything at all to do with the plot…such as it was.

It did make me think, though. Why isn’t poetry more popular? In a world where social media condenses our thoughts into 140 characters or less, we’re definitely a society that appreciates brevity. What is a poem except the brutal abridgment of real life into a few, choice and descriptive words. So why don’t we embrace poetry anymore?

Granted, poetry is an antique form of communication. Hardly the first cousin to more modern communiques like: Where u at? W8 4 me. But it’s still effective and when well done, nothing creates emotion like a few lines of powerful poetry. We’re also an emotional society. Some (me) would even say that we emote more than we intellectualize. So poetry seems a natural fit.

I guess maybe the art form needs an update. You know, so it fits better into today’s lexicon. So let me be the first to offer modern poetry. Here goes:

Rain, rain now back up off.
Jus’ ass out go on, get lost.

Bee-otch wet my brand new shirt
Made my kicks squelch and squirt.

‘Bove my skull the mood is gray.
Want to chillax wiff my BFFs today.

Yo, asshat get on out o’ here.
Or I’ll bust a cap in yo’r fugly grill…we clear?

Yeah. That’s much better. #:0)


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